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Life is a balance of holding on and letting go ~ Rumi

Is Childhood Abandonment Affecting your Intimate Relationships? Karen Kerr, LPC, LCADC, NCC

Karen Kerr • December 15, 2021

Abandonment issues can cut us to our core. Many don’t recognize that the abandonment one may have suffered in childhood can have a major negative effect impacting adulthood.


Fear of abandonment or rejection can create fear, anger, anxiety and depression. As a result, relationships may be difficult to navigate, self-esteem is diminished and trusting others is never easy.


Negative behaviors or other obsessive compulsive behaviors are very common for individuals who have experienced rejection or abandonment from a primary care giver during childhood. This abandonment can be the consequence of a parent leaving the home due to divorce, death or even illness. Physical abandonment is not always necessary; a child can suffer rejection through emotional abandonment such as being ignored or even rejection that one experiences through bullying. These types of occurrences can be traumatic for a child regardless of age.


It is not uncommon for someone who has experienced childhood abandonment to self-sabotage relationships, careers, or friendships. When someone has difficulty trusting others there appears to be an unconscious need for the person to push others away. In a sense, the person will want to reject you first before you can reject them.


If you have ever loved someone who has done this then you can understand how frustrating this can be but it is even more maddening for the person who is doing it because a person who has experienced abandonment really wants to feel safe, secure and more than ever to be loved and validated.


Other signs that you may love someone with abandonment issues or have abandonment issues yourself is there is a strong need for control. Individuals may attach themselves too quickly, have a sense of neediness and they always give too much. When this person begins to feel that their partner is not reciprocating they will typically begin to resent the person and then set out to sabotage the relationship by creating emotional distance.


When a person begins to distance from a partner emotionally it usually happens on an unconscious level. For example, one may notice some of these negative behaviors when arguments occur for no good reason or the person may find one negative aspect about their partner and then over focus on the flaw. There will be difficulty in communication and there is an expectation that a partner will commit 100% to them but they will have trouble committing to their partner.


So, what is the answer? Simply, it may be found in what is known in the field of psychology as Attachment Theory.


In the book Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help you find and Keep Love (2011) authors, Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. provide a very thorough understanding of adult attachment that is relatable to anyone who may be experiencing this.


The authors provide comprehensive descriptions and good examples of the varied types of attachment styles that have been described as secure, avoidant and anxious. The book is a very good guide that can help someone understand their own attachment style and how it may be sabotaging significant relationships. They offer a solid approach to improve communication, deal with conflict, and skills to develop healthier relationship behaviors so that the abandonment issue does not continue to rule the relationship.


A mental health professional may also be a valuable resource that can help you or a loved one break painful relationship patterns or help understand how you may be sabotaging relationships.


Levin, Amir and Heller, Rachel S.F., (2011). Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. Penguin Group: New York, NY.


Financial stress, Mental health service in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey, Seaside Serenity.

Feeling Financial Stress? Here’s How to Regain Peace of Mind

By Karen Kerr • January 17, 2025
Overwhelmed by financial stress? Discover practical tips on budgeting, debt management, and mindful spending to ease anxiety and regain peace of mind today!

How to Study in College, by Frank Healy, LPC

By Frank Healy • December 15, 2021
Most college students juggle their schoolwork with jobs, school activities, social life, and relationships. When it is time to study you need to remind yourself that this is all that you need to do now. Take some deep breaths to clear your head of distracting thoughts. When you have distracting thoughts, remind yourself that this is what minds do. Let the thoughts go and remind yourself that this is the time to focus on the material. It helps to stay in a quiet place and to study in the same place all the time. If the dorm room or Fraternity/Sorority house is too noisy go the library or another quiet place. Budget your time so you will spend enough time studying each subject to fare well. A general rule is to spend three times the amount of time in the classroom for each subject. For example, If you spend three hours a week in the classroom spend nine hours a week studying that subject. Naturally you will spend more time on a subject before a test or project is due, and less time for a few days afterwards. But classroom time times three should be the general rule. The best times to study are an hour or two hours before bed. When study is your last activity before bed you keep more information than if you concentrated on Facebook, a video game or other activity. You keep the last thing you learned because the brain had all night to process it while you slept. More importantly, do not compare yourself to other students. When I taught college students who struggled, they shared that they caught themselves not understanding a paragraph they had just read. Then they got discouraged and wanted to throw the book across the room. The problem was that they focused on their performance, and consequentially did not focus on the material. This led to frustration and poor performance. Don’t get down on yourself if you had to read the material over. Just accept that and read it again. Do not go to a party or any distracting activity the night before a test. When I was in college, students used to brag that they stayed up all night, went to a major league baseball game, or a concert the night before a test and still got an “A” on the test. I never believed any of it. Take a test when you are in the same physical, mental, and emotional state that you were in when you studied. There is a principle called State Dependent Memory. It means that you keep more information when you are in the same state as when you learned it. Many students study all night two nights before a test then get a good rest the night before so they will be well rested. This might seem like common sense. However, state dependent memory says if you studied tired you will remember more if you take the test tired. Multitasking is a myth. when people multitask they do not do any single task as well as when they do the task by itself. Study one subject at a time. If you have ADHD or a short attention span divide your time with each subject at short intervals. A half hour for each subject works. Finally, do not make studying the only thing you do. Have a social life and be in activities. College can be a challenging time.

Use Memories of your Loved One to Help you Grieve by Frank Healy, LPC

By Frank Healy • December 15, 2021
When you look through old pictures, library cards, sports uniforms, instruments and other items that a loved one owned, it can be therapeutic to happily reminisce. This is because you think of the good times you had and feel gratitude for the memories. Get together with other family members or friends of your loved one because it will feel good for everyone to remember the good times that were had. When a memory of the person is triggered, you can allow yourself to be grateful for the experience. There are many ways that a memory can be triggered. It can happen when you go to a place you used to go with the person, such as a restaurant or a vacation destination. Let yourself feel happiness for the times you had with your loved one instead of thinking how bad it is that they are no longer with you. When you do feel mournful, accept the feeling. Even if you apply the first three techniques, there are probably going to be times when you feel sad, angry, or think about what might have saved the person. Don’t fight these feelings or judge yourself as selfish. Ironically, accepting how you feel often makes the sad feelings less intense. People who have experienced loss sometimes often believe that they have to stay sad all of the time. It is ok to give yourself permission to be happy when you feel happy without feeling guilty because you are having fun after you recently lost someone. Many people stay sad over a loss for years for basically two reasons. One is that they feel they need to stay sad to prove that they cared about the person who died. You can mourn for a short period of time and still care about your loved one who is no longer with you. A second reason people stay sad is because they think it is the only way to still feel connected to their deceased loved one. However, you can still feel connected by remembering the good times you had with them. Your memories will always stay with you. It is not necessary to judge anyone who does not act mournful at the funeral. People mourn and say goodbye to others in different ways. In India’s culture they mourn by lighting a candle and peacefully reflect on the life. It’s great that many funerals today display pictures of the person’s life. Consequentially, they make the funeral a celebration of life instead of a sad time. If you had a strained relationship with the person, don’t judge yourself for not feeling sad when they pass. Your feelings are not good or bad, they are just feelings. When most of your memories with the person are not pleasant ones, it is not necessary to feel sad or mourn. Many people say that when they lost a loved one there were things they left unsaid, such as they never told their parent they loved them. Many of the things people wish they had said were understood, particularly in close family relationships. If you took care of a sick parent or grandparent and they died they understand that you loved them. Sometimes young adults get impatient with a non ambulatory person they are taking care of. The person will understand if most of your interactions were positive. There are many ways to use your memories to help yourself through the loss of a loved one. You can enjoy thinking about the happy memories, and you do not have to stay angry, sad, or have regrets. Going through memorabilia is healthy and a great activity for the whole family to do.
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